Sometimes...

I just like to disappear for a short period to see whether people missed me. Good night Singapore.

Why are you my friend?

How tragic, the disease which I thought I had evaded successfully over the years finally came a knocking. I'm stricken with chicken pox and with a few more weeks to my holiday, this couldn't have been a worst time. Of course, if one were to be a person who sees the glass as half full, you can say that it's better now than during the trip. True, I better count my blessings.

Now when one has alot of time on his hands as do all patients with two weeks of medical, one likes to ponder. Over the past 5 years, I have foster a close friendship with this interesting bunch of guys who I can now call my close friends/buddies. Sometimes, I think about why we were able to become good friends and I realised it's all about seeing the good points in someone such that they overshadow the bad. So why do I consider you all my friend?

You are my friend because I find you intelligent, someone whose thoughtful and sincere. You've been through alot and that made you cynical but that didn't change your kind heart.

You are my friend because there's the ah-beng side of you which values the true meaning of brotherhood and that means you will and was there for me when I needed a listening ear. The fact that ah-bengs are funny characters is besides the point.

You are my friend because you live your life to the fullest as do one your age would. With your musical inclination and your slam poetry, you embrace your artistic side more than the rest of us. I envy your energy and drive and I look forward optimistically to your future.

You are my friend because you know no rules and boundaries and you fear little. You are the life of the party always but that doesn't mean you are thoughtless. In fact, you are sensitive when the need arises. You are popular but not snobbish, a trait rare among your socialite kind.

You are my friend because you have lived through life in a short time what others took decades. You have done what most including myself are just beginning to. Being the only family man, you are one who has responsibilites others would not be able to understand.

Finally, you are my friend because you have always face difficulties with acceptance. Although you are not the youngest, you are always like the younger brother among us. And everyone wants a younger brother to look after and guide. I worry about you the most and I hope you do well in life.

I seem to have alot of disruptions trying to write this entry so I shall end here. Good night Singapore.

A hard beginning maketh a good ending.

Tonight's going to be New Year's Eve. Alas, one year has come and gone in a flash. It was an especially hard year for me. This year, I failed to achieve a lot of my goals.

Career wise I would consider it a downhill phase. Having wanted to do sales, I moved into a more sales and business development role but that didn't go well and I find myself having to deal with many hurdles and stumbling blocks. At the end of it, the company even reorganised with me ending up in a back seat role which is not what I want. Trying to look for other opportunities also came up empty handed.

Finance wise was even worst. Bad investments caused the bulk of my savings being stuck in stocks and wild dreams of buying a house came to naught. I am left at my poorest state and even had to sell off my car at a tremendous lost. Without a car will certainly be a challenge for me having driven for years. I guess this might serve as a reminder for me to not bite off more than I can chew.

Perhaps something to take heart in is the fact that my girlfriend has stuck by me and willing to walk the future with me in such grim circumstances. The guilt hanging on me for all the wrong I've done her in the past becomes even more heavier. The fact that no one but myself bears the knowledge and burden does not lessen the guilt. I just hope to make up to her in the future.

I believe in the new society, more and more people have these schizo issues whereby they have both good and bad personalities and that caused them to do both good and bad actions. It's is not easy for me to be wholly good and I try not to be wholly bad. I have come to accept this but balancing it is the hardest thing to do.

Enough of these negativity. It was indeed an exceptionally hard year for me and I am going into the new year with a hard beginning. Let's just hope and strive towards achieving a better year ahead and a good ending. Here's wishing everyone a Happy New Year and hope that you all can find peace in everything you do. Good night Singapore.

The Race

I've just finished my invigorating run. I would love to run more regularly but due to my laziness and lack of time, I end up only doing sporadic runs. Actually, it's during these runs that I find time to destress and process my thoughts.

This year as always, I try to convince myself to do some competitive runs so I've signed up for the annual StanChart Marathon. During the run today, I thought to myself what is the favourite part of the run. And I realised that it's that last km or 500metres to the finish line with the crowd by the side and the music blasting from the dozen or so speakers. It is an invigorating and adrenalin pumping experience. And StanChart somehow manages to get it right to a T. I love that feeling, perhaps it's the feeling of being able to accomplish something or perhaps it's the feeling of completion.

I guess this is not the first time someone says that a race is like our life experiences. At different times of our lives, we run different races. My life has yet to reach normalcy yet and yes, my finances are still in a mess. I hope to finish this race soon and trying hard to climb back. It's not an easy race and I have no idea when I will see the finish line. I can only hope though.

In any case, I hope you all are doing well in your races. And I hope to see you at the Singapore StanChart Marathon this December as well. Good night Singapore.

How?

How do I make the most of my limited time and achieve all which I had hoped to achieve in my life? Ever since I started my working life, I have strived to climb beyond those whom I deemed as my peers. I have struggled to achieve more and more. And yet, as life would have it, a number of mistakes in life has set me back than most. True, I still have a very attractive package in work when I compare to some but this is but a facade of reality.

I do not have a substantial bank account, I don't have a nice place to call my own at my current age, I do not have enough to move to the next step of starting a family, I do not own the true "financial freedom" 5 Cs. One might argue that we should be contented but why should we when it was possible to achieve more and why should we be contented with our lot. I wish to achieve more and to make up for lost time but the more I try to do that, the more I see myself being setback. How can I move forward now with the uphill task becoming harder and harder as each year goes by? How indeed?

Good night Singapore.

Depression

It's that sick feeling in your stomach. I've made a number of very bad decisions in the past few months which would probably jeopardize all my savings. At a time when I am coming to the ripe old age of 35, some might say I am still young and can start over but the fact is, I do not feel like I have many such years left. To start over with nothing is a fearful thought. No apartment, no savings and with an outstanding loan on the car. This sucks.

While I try to gather as much of my optimism as possible or still left, I get this feeling in the stomach. It's a mixture of fear, anxiety and depression. Good night Singapore.

And the Market goes north...

Everyday I wish I'll be able to recover all my losses over the years and make a hefty profit when all this is over. Good night Singapore?