Sometimes...

I just like to disappear for a short period to see whether people missed me. Good night Singapore.

Why are you my friend?

How tragic, the disease which I thought I had evaded successfully over the years finally came a knocking. I'm stricken with chicken pox and with a few more weeks to my holiday, this couldn't have been a worst time. Of course, if one were to be a person who sees the glass as half full, you can say that it's better now than during the trip. True, I better count my blessings.

Now when one has alot of time on his hands as do all patients with two weeks of medical, one likes to ponder. Over the past 5 years, I have foster a close friendship with this interesting bunch of guys who I can now call my close friends/buddies. Sometimes, I think about why we were able to become good friends and I realised it's all about seeing the good points in someone such that they overshadow the bad. So why do I consider you all my friend?

You are my friend because I find you intelligent, someone whose thoughtful and sincere. You've been through alot and that made you cynical but that didn't change your kind heart.

You are my friend because there's the ah-beng side of you which values the true meaning of brotherhood and that means you will and was there for me when I needed a listening ear. The fact that ah-bengs are funny characters is besides the point.

You are my friend because you live your life to the fullest as do one your age would. With your musical inclination and your slam poetry, you embrace your artistic side more than the rest of us. I envy your energy and drive and I look forward optimistically to your future.

You are my friend because you know no rules and boundaries and you fear little. You are the life of the party always but that doesn't mean you are thoughtless. In fact, you are sensitive when the need arises. You are popular but not snobbish, a trait rare among your socialite kind.

You are my friend because you have lived through life in a short time what others took decades. You have done what most including myself are just beginning to. Being the only family man, you are one who has responsibilites others would not be able to understand.

Finally, you are my friend because you have always face difficulties with acceptance. Although you are not the youngest, you are always like the younger brother among us. And everyone wants a younger brother to look after and guide. I worry about you the most and I hope you do well in life.

I seem to have alot of disruptions trying to write this entry so I shall end here. Good night Singapore.

A hard beginning maketh a good ending.

Tonight's going to be New Year's Eve. Alas, one year has come and gone in a flash. It was an especially hard year for me. This year, I failed to achieve a lot of my goals.

Career wise I would consider it a downhill phase. Having wanted to do sales, I moved into a more sales and business development role but that didn't go well and I find myself having to deal with many hurdles and stumbling blocks. At the end of it, the company even reorganised with me ending up in a back seat role which is not what I want. Trying to look for other opportunities also came up empty handed.

Finance wise was even worst. Bad investments caused the bulk of my savings being stuck in stocks and wild dreams of buying a house came to naught. I am left at my poorest state and even had to sell off my car at a tremendous lost. Without a car will certainly be a challenge for me having driven for years. I guess this might serve as a reminder for me to not bite off more than I can chew.

Perhaps something to take heart in is the fact that my girlfriend has stuck by me and willing to walk the future with me in such grim circumstances. The guilt hanging on me for all the wrong I've done her in the past becomes even more heavier. The fact that no one but myself bears the knowledge and burden does not lessen the guilt. I just hope to make up to her in the future.

I believe in the new society, more and more people have these schizo issues whereby they have both good and bad personalities and that caused them to do both good and bad actions. It's is not easy for me to be wholly good and I try not to be wholly bad. I have come to accept this but balancing it is the hardest thing to do.

Enough of these negativity. It was indeed an exceptionally hard year for me and I am going into the new year with a hard beginning. Let's just hope and strive towards achieving a better year ahead and a good ending. Here's wishing everyone a Happy New Year and hope that you all can find peace in everything you do. Good night Singapore.

The Race

I've just finished my invigorating run. I would love to run more regularly but due to my laziness and lack of time, I end up only doing sporadic runs. Actually, it's during these runs that I find time to destress and process my thoughts.

This year as always, I try to convince myself to do some competitive runs so I've signed up for the annual StanChart Marathon. During the run today, I thought to myself what is the favourite part of the run. And I realised that it's that last km or 500metres to the finish line with the crowd by the side and the music blasting from the dozen or so speakers. It is an invigorating and adrenalin pumping experience. And StanChart somehow manages to get it right to a T. I love that feeling, perhaps it's the feeling of being able to accomplish something or perhaps it's the feeling of completion.

I guess this is not the first time someone says that a race is like our life experiences. At different times of our lives, we run different races. My life has yet to reach normalcy yet and yes, my finances are still in a mess. I hope to finish this race soon and trying hard to climb back. It's not an easy race and I have no idea when I will see the finish line. I can only hope though.

In any case, I hope you all are doing well in your races. And I hope to see you at the Singapore StanChart Marathon this December as well. Good night Singapore.

How?

How do I make the most of my limited time and achieve all which I had hoped to achieve in my life? Ever since I started my working life, I have strived to climb beyond those whom I deemed as my peers. I have struggled to achieve more and more. And yet, as life would have it, a number of mistakes in life has set me back than most. True, I still have a very attractive package in work when I compare to some but this is but a facade of reality.

I do not have a substantial bank account, I don't have a nice place to call my own at my current age, I do not have enough to move to the next step of starting a family, I do not own the true "financial freedom" 5 Cs. One might argue that we should be contented but why should we when it was possible to achieve more and why should we be contented with our lot. I wish to achieve more and to make up for lost time but the more I try to do that, the more I see myself being setback. How can I move forward now with the uphill task becoming harder and harder as each year goes by? How indeed?

Good night Singapore.

Depression

It's that sick feeling in your stomach. I've made a number of very bad decisions in the past few months which would probably jeopardize all my savings. At a time when I am coming to the ripe old age of 35, some might say I am still young and can start over but the fact is, I do not feel like I have many such years left. To start over with nothing is a fearful thought. No apartment, no savings and with an outstanding loan on the car. This sucks.

While I try to gather as much of my optimism as possible or still left, I get this feeling in the stomach. It's a mixture of fear, anxiety and depression. Good night Singapore.

And the Market goes north...

Everyday I wish I'll be able to recover all my losses over the years and make a hefty profit when all this is over. Good night Singapore?

Happy牛Year

Alas, it's been ages since I've last visited here. As usual been busy procrastinating. Lunar New Year has come to our nice city again. Having celebrated many many CNY, yes I am that old, I still look forward to the merry making, the gambling and the food asscociated with it. It's the time whereby families come together and catch up with one another.

However, the shrewd eye observer will notice that behind all the joyous celebration lies an intricate balancing act. All the family members want to appear to be doing well while, as the chinese saying goes, each family holds a difficult to read sutra. For the most part, I have learnt over the years to stand from afar and observe these going-ons with amusement or if not, a detached disinterest. Such as when one auntie complains how they were ill-treated by their daughter-in-law or when the daughter of the grandmother acts the dutiful daughter. These scenes no longer moved me as much.

Having said that, again however, sometimes I still get affected when the incidents happen too close to home. Such as how the married sibling hinting openly that they would like lunch to be started earlier. Now my parents are old and as they grow older, they see the sibling lesser and lesser due to the fact that the sibling is not staying with us and that the in-law does not like to come back to visit. I guess as with all of us, the longing to see our own flesh and blood gets more obvious with age. Thus, of course they will try harder to please the sibling to have a chance that they will come home. To tell them that it's too early might be risking them not coming home. Despite this joyous season, I feel sad when I know for the most part, we are not as closely knit a family as we hope to be or show to be. It's all about intricately balancing the wants and the needs of every family member and sometimes it gets tiring when one or another does not do his/her part.

But of course, every family has their difficult to read sutra. Mine would not be harder than others. I hope it gets easier. I was speaking to my better half, yes I am surprisingly attached for over a year now, on whether I should always let things affect me. While she gave the PC answer which is both yes and no, in truth the answer is most of time a yes and no answer. Maybe in that sense I lack character but I think that's how I was brought up. Same goes for how my siblings act, it's how they were brought up so perhaps it is a part of my parents doing.

In any case, I am going all over the shop with this. During this festive season, let me wish everyone a Happy Lunar Year.


Good night Singapore.

Projects, projects, projects...

Sometimes I wonder why every company and every group have the same problem of not being able to walk away. Even when the opportunity is minute and the effort to proceed is great. Guess I'll be stuck in KL till the end of time. Good night Singapore.

Devastated

How can you show someone you love her so much and that you would do anything for her and that she means so much to you that you can possibly imagine when she tells you that she can't feel your love...

The Ugly Netizen

Here are some reasons why one should minimise associating with people on the web:

1) They carry a lot of emotional baggage. Be it coming from a family with single parenthood, low self esteem, emotional upheavals and such. So they tend to be either be overly weary of most people or they are too trusting to some classes of people whom they lacked in life.

2) They are deadly gossip mongers. Now with the advancement of communication, you can basically hear one rumour from one person and disseminate that to 100 well-connected others in a matter of seconds. Most lack the judgement of validating the rumours prefering to extrapolate the hearings. It's kind of like that childhood game we used to play when a group of kids would pass on a message from one person to another and see what we will get at the end. Each re-telling gets more fantastic than the previous one. And that's the word to use, Fantastic. It's like fantasy, not real but exciting enough to get the other person interested in giving their attention to you.

3) Yes, and most of the time they tend to be ugly as well.
4) There's still more but I lack the interest of continuing.

Good night Singapore.

Merry X'mas

For once, I had a wonderful festive season with someone I adore. It was a simple dinner at an relatively "ulu" (Singaporean slang for less known) place. The food was really quite average but nowadays I feel that I am beginning to enjoy the laidback feeling more and more. After which we went for a nice house party, followed by 2nd and 3rd round drinks with friends.

Next up will be my trip to Korea with momsie. Looking forward to my virgin experience with skiing. Hope it's fun and I don't freeze my butt off. Good Day Singapore.

Holidays

A string of holidays are coming up and one just can't help but feel abit excited. Though the prospect of having to work over the festives dampens it slightly.

Currently blogging through my office email. Kind of user friendly. The day's about to end and I can't wait to Mambo, a Singaporean phenomenon.

Good evening Singapore.

Moved...

Moved here. Hello Singapore.

Passing

I cried. I cannot remember ever crying for a girl in the past. Maybe it's the alcohol. Maybe I just needed an outlet.

I still don't understand how something can change so drastically over a short period of time. We were happily having dim sum in the afternoon and come nightfall, she tells me that she cannot feel my love for her. I don't understand how having spent almost everyday together, having talked to her everyday when I was overseas, having looked and kissed her with love every time showed that I didn't love her.

This had come so sudden that I don't know what to think. Many thoughts have flowed through my mind since. Perhaps she didn't really love me as much. Perhaps I was just there as a rebound. Perhaps having gone out with other people, she feels she still want to consider her other options. Maybe I shouldn't think so much.

I just learnt that now she's gone to KL. Before this happened, I didn't mind her going at all. Now, I think of how she might be going back to him. It's silly really. Maybe I shouldn't think so much.

Good night Singapore.

Vesak Day and Karma

It is the eve of Vesak Day. Or rather it WAS the eve of Vesak Day. The celebration of Vesak Day is to commemorate the birth, enlightenment and attainment of Nirvana for Buddha, specifically the Buddha Sidharta (Wonder if I spelt it right). And as this is a Buddhist festival, inevitably Buddhist teachings such as Karma comes into mind.

Thus, it makes me wonder whether my own Karma has came back to teach me a lesson coincedentally having mentioned Karma in just the last post. I have to say this had been a considerably bad day for me. A chain of events has almost if not totally ruined my mood for the holidays. Now, let me list the bad things that have befallen upon me.

Now, I was to attend a friend's wedding next Friday or at least I thought I was to attend one. This said friend had in earlier months asked me for my mailing address so as to mail me the wedding invite. As it was really close to the wedding date and I have not heard from her, I decided to give her a call to ask whether she has mailed it out. When I spoke to her imagine my surprise when she said that she found out she didn't have enough places and said sorry for not being able to invite me. What made me really annoyed and disappointed was not the fact that she couldn't invite me due to the lack of space but rather that she had not bothered to call me up and inform me of it. I mean if you had asked for my mailing address, I would at least expect the decency to call me and let me know if you decided to change your mind and not invite me. I am a person who gets very affected by sincerity of my friends and from this incident alone I realized that this is not a friend that is worth treasuring.

Next comes the partying or intention to party. Considering this was the eve and all, I was all psyched up to party the night away. First up I joined some friends at a Thai Disco at Golden Mile. While it was interesting initially, I soon got bored cause there's no girls at our group and the place was populated by rather old or bengish crowd. So I decided to head down to Zouk for the Mambo night since it's a Wednesday. Been ages since I last went and when I almost reached the whole road was stop go traffic cause of the huge crowd. Did everyone just woke up and decided to go Mambo cause there were like about 100-200 people hanging outside the god damned place. Straight away I knew it was a lost cause and so decided to find my other friends at some pub in Boat Quay. Now having arrived at BQ, I called my friends and they told me they've left for St James!! How bad can this night get! I finally decided that this is probably some way of telling me I should go back home and tonight's not the night for partying. So heeding the divine intervention, I decided to head home early on the eve of a public holiday. How rare is that but my troubles was not about to end for this my bad day.

While driving home and almost exiting the expressway way (it was like only 200-300 metres from the god damned exit!) I was stopped by the TP for speeding! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! In my entire life of driving in Singapore, this was the first traffic ticket I've received! Now of course I had parking tickets before but this was the first traffic offense. On top of that, I was not even high and I took care to look around for TPs too. This time they seem to turn out from nowhere. That's $150 plus 6 fucking demerit points! ARGHHH…. I know I am not an angel and most of the time flaunt the law by speeding. I know it's wrong by having a glass or two and driving. But to be caught while heading home on an early night seems soo……sigh…

Actually now that I am typing this, my mind seemed to have sorted it out. Wouldn't I have been much worst if I was caught drunk and driving home. Or going home late and exceeding the speed limit by more than 25km/hr which I sometimes do to reach home earlier.

A quote from someone I met suddenly comes to my mind. He told me that sometimes when bad things happen, we shouldn't think of it as being unlucky. Instead, we should think that by having bad things happen now, it would mean that better things will come soon. It made sense. Let's hope after today and all that has happened, good things will come to me soon. This has been a long rant and guess it's therapeutic in its own way. Good night Singapore.

Trackback

Whoops, guess it's been ages since I've updated with an entry. As usual, it's night time and a time to reflect on the past months. I've been busy lately with work. The new job's seen me flying around more often than before but all's good as the daily allowance is good money. Especially since I seem to spend more nowadays.

On the relationship front, it's still nadah. I've recently been dating two girls as in putting serious consideration to thinking how to make it work. But somehow things aren't going as good as I hoped. I wonder whether anyone whose gone through life with a reasonable amount of time will experience the same feelings or thoughts as I have. Now this is something that has always been through my mind. How many people out there has the same thoughts and experiences as me. Which is partly the reason why I chose this blog's title. Ok, that's sidetracking. What I wanted to say is that nowadays when I see or encounter certain new events in life, I tend to be able to "predict", some may call it that whilst others may call it "think too much", how certain things will end up. I have to say in both occurences while going out with these two girls, I've seen certain less than ideal circumstances. Of course I've long heard of the saying of thinking less and going with your heart but a leopard can never change its spots. I am a man of pragmatism. I've always went with my mind and that is probably my greatest failing.

So it is now with these two girls. One I seen instability while the other incompatibility. Perhaps I should go back to the safety of my cave and enjoy or rather rot in my freedom. I have no answer as of yet and as usual one can never tell the future. Or perhaps I should hold out for a better fit to come along. Hell knows I've been single for so long does it really matter. In any case, I'll have to wait and see what the future holds for me as usual. Incoherent thoughts as usual.

On other fronts, I am trying to gain back my fitness. I've been trying to run on a regular basis. To think that I used to be so fit and marathons would not be a problem. Now with the growing belly or "wealth" tummy as some would call it, I am loath to see myself turn into a middle age pot bellied Uncle. Though in recent days, that's what my friends have started to call me. Let's hope my discipline kicks in and I'm able to go carry out my plans.

Oh, interestingly over the weekend I went to a kind of SDU event. My friend got the invites and asked me along. This is not something that I usually go to. Nay, this is not something I go to at all. I don't like to subject myself to the desperation of growing old single. And this is exactly what I saw in the event. Desperation? Too strong a word? But that is what I saw. Grown men and women putting in their last ditch effort to know someone who might rescue them from a life of loneliness. Plus the fact that there were alot of misfits in their midst. I didn't want to say it out loud in front of my friend that I think all the people there who went can't make it as I was afraid I'll hurt his feelings should he think that I was refering to him. But those were my thoughts. I know I am biased but I can't help but think these people are odd. Some of them probably have great personalities but I am not about to find out. I am sure karma exist and sometimes I think that my long standing singlehood is probably karma's way of getting back at me for laughing at all of them. Oh well, Karma 1 Me 0 then.

Ok, this is getting abit long. Let's see when's my next entry will be. Good night Singapore.

Travels and Festivities

It's been a long while since I last dusted this blog. Been pretty busy these days and also spending more time out with my buddies. There's been alot of big festivities over the past few months what with X'mas, New Year and the upcoming Lunar New Year. Hrmm…I think I am spending more time living a hopefully interesting life than talking about it. Not that it's really that much more interesting. As with festivities and the upcoming Valentine's day, I've been feeling a bout of loneliness. I've also been drinking more. Spending more time at pubs in Boat Quay, clubs like Zouk, St James etc. I think I am trying to hope that by going out more, I will give myself more opportunities to know more friends and hopefully a potential gf? Deep inside, I guess we know that this is not the right way to go about it but sometimes we tend to deceive ourselves.

On the other point of the entry, I've been travelling more lately. Just came back from Bangkok and will be going to Tokyo for business trip. I kind of like going on biz trips nowadays. Not only do I get to getaway for a while, the allowances are good. It helps me do some savings. I realised that when you earn more, you spend more and I really have to start saving more money for the future. Despite having worked for 8 years, my savings are pathetic. Over the years, the spendings on my car as well as losses in the stock market had pretty much burnt off all my saving. Hopefully within these 2 years, I'll be able to save up more for my goals.

Ok, strangely not really in a deep thoughtful reflective mood to write much. Till the next time then. Good night Singapore.

A wedding with old friends…

On Sunday I dropped by Jakarta to attend the wedding of my old university buddy. It was an interesting affair to say the least. I have always know the Indons to have elaborate big weddings but to have 1400 people in the same ballroom as you was overwhelming.

It started off with me having some mileage points left over and having been invited to my good friend's wedding in Indonesia. Actually I reckon it was a very good deal. The air ticket's claimed so not much there, the Four Season's Hotel room was at a special rate of USD100 because of my friend's wedding and it includes a free SPA as well as breakfast. I think if I were to drop by Bintan, it'll probably cost me the same.

Upon arrival, another Indon friend brought me out for lunch at this roadside restaurant. For those who've never been to Indonesia, you have to be careful of these Warung eating places. The ones with made up stalls are slightly more risky for those with weak stomach. But we went to a slightly more middle class one which is more like a restaurant so it's all good. The place is call Tata Ribs. Named after the fabulous and famous ribs they served. There's both a BBQ-ed and soup version of it. I decided on the BBQ-ed version. It came with a soup and the ribs. The soup was peppery but good and the ribs were awesome. It was served with this peanut sauce kinda like satay sauce. I have gotta try it again next time I'm there.

After the meal, I went for the nice SPA. The traditional Javanese massage was very hard and painful but it felt refreshing after it all. In the evening was the wedding proper. As mentioned, it was a huge affair. Now over there they have this version of a standing party. There's only less than 10 tables around the ballroom and these are reserved for VIPs only. The rest of the guest stood and they got into a queue for the buffet dinner. There were various stalls serving various dishes like the buffet line, dim sum and satay. The food was good but just that eating was troublesome. In an Indon wedding, they take ang pows as well and this is typically the equivalent of USD20 to 40 dollars which works out to around 200k to 400k rupiah.

Now the guest would go on stage to take pictures with the couple. As the number of guests is like huge, you can imagine that they take a single picture with a huge number of people. This was darn interesting to behold.

Now I must say I enjoyed the wedding alot. Because besides the good food and catching up with my old friends there, there were loads of DAMN good looking indonesian chinese girls there to look at. It's probably the first time I've seen so many beautiful indonesian chinese girls in one spot. They were all dress in their beautiful gowns which provided ample eye candy for the evening especially with their low cut attire showing off their full fair breasts.

Anyway, I would like to wish my friend H and his new found wife V all the blessings and happiness for their years to come. Good night Singapore.

Mixed Emotions

Hello everybody, I'm back from the land of the Bin Lang Meis. I've been getting alot of mixed emotions lately. I'll be going to start on my new job soon and I'm pretty excited about it. I like knowing new people and also new environments. Guess it's also due to my nature of enjoying new experiences. But on the other hand, I feel some anxiety on the new and added roles I will be taking up. I hope I can do well in them and excel. I am an ambitious person and part of it is taking the risks that comes along with the package.

Anyway, my birthday bash was fun. I like being in the company of alot of friends. They make me feel wanted and "in existence". I've always feared loneliness and crave for company. Think I'll make a poor hermit. As expected I was totally thrashed. Was very greatful for my friends to have sent me back. It must really have peeved them when I finally stood up at home and wave them goodbye. Haha… It wasn't intentional but I had a short span of alertness when I reached home. After that it was hello darkness again.

Another incident that got me thinking was this new girl I am starting to have an interests in. Problem is that until now I do not know what to make of her. Her actions portray that of a playful and non serious spirit that is just having fun. But yet when I do get a chance to meet up with her, which is not often, she comes across as having an interests in me. I do enjoy her company and I think that one of the greatest things that I like about her is that she can laugh at herself and she's oh so very witty. I think I need to take my time in slowly understanding what this girl is all about. Time will tell I suppose. Let's just wait and see.

Good night Singapore.